Wednesday, April 15, 2009

“The West Wing” Redux: Blow the Man Down

After a few reruns of “The West Wing” on Bravo, I starting thinking about recent news events. From pirates to Portuguese Water Dogs, I’m not sure even Aaron Sorkin could write a script this good for our hip president. But what if he did?
Imagine the scene: West wing, soft white walls, lots of dark wood and glass interior doors. Various rooms of people looking busy and important. Our statuesque president walks at a fast clip with his assistant three paces behind. The assistant is a white version of Charlie, the character played by Dulé Hill on the original show. Let’s say Shia Leboeuf.

White Charlie: Good Morning Mr. President.

POTUS: Lights and candles, Charlie!

W.C.: ‘Scuse me, sir?

POTUS: These modern day pirates, Charlie. Scallywags. No code, Charlie.

W.C.: Yes, sir.

POTUS: Lights and candles. The dread pirate Black Bart and his crew overtook a brigandine off the coast of Guiana in 1720.

W.C.: Yes, sir.

POTUS: They wrote a code, Charlie. A code!

W.C.: A code, sir.

POTUS: Article Four of the pirate code states “The lights and candles should be put out at eight at night, and if any of the crew desire to drink after that hour they shall sit upon the open deck without lights.”

W.C.: Without lights, sir.

POTUS: Mrs. O wants me to take Kennedy’s dog, Charlie.

W.C.: Is this the code, still, Mr. President, or are we on to something else, now?

POTUS: Not that I don’t want the dog, mind you. I could care less about the dog. I’m tired of answering questions about the dog. The country is falling apart, I’ve got an economy as rusted out as the Impala my grandma gave me when I turned 16, and all I get from the press are questions about the damn dog!

W.C.: I can see how that would be frustrating, Mr. President.

POTUS: And pirates!

W.C.: Yes, sir.

POTUS: Mrs. O says dogs are like breath mints, Charlie.

W.C.: I’m having a hard time with that connection, Mr. President. You’re going to have to have to walk me through that one, sir.

POTUS: Breath mints, Charlie. You never turn down a breath mint. If someone offers you a breath mint, you take it. They may be offering because your breath stinks.

W.C.: Kennedy offered you the dog because your breath stinks, Mr. President?

POTUS: Does it? Did I brush my teeth this morning, Charlie?

W.C.: I wouldn’t know, sir. I didn’t mean you, sir. I mean….

POTUS: Kennedy may be offering the dog because he knows I need to put this thing to rest. Get on with the business of running the country. You know. Deal with the pirates and all of it.

W.C.: Yes, sir—

POTUS: Here’s the thing, Charlie. It’s a pansy-assed dog. It’s fluffy and curly and looks like a poodle. This is not a presidential dog. This is not the canine representing the Leader of the Free World.

W.C.: I thought it was the girls’ dog, sir?

POTUS: It’s the people’s dog, Charlie. It’s the people’s dog, and the people need a good manly dog. We need a strong dog, now Charlie. We need a Boxer, or a Rottweiler. We need something with teeth, something that looks like it could tear the back seat off any mangy, humanitarian-aid-stealing pirate.

W.C.: And that’s not Senator Kennedy’s dog, sir?

POTUS: Senator Kennedy’s dog couldn’t tear the back seat off a Kardashian, Charlie.

W.C.: That would be a mouthful, Mr. President.

POTUS: Article 12, Charlie: If a member of the crew were to abduct a woman he would be put to death or be marooned. A code, Charlie—even the blackest pirate in the darkest days of piracy had a code.

W.C.: A code, sir.

POTUS: That’s all I’m saying, Charlie.

W.C.: Did they allow dogs on board, sir? In the code?

POTUS: Don’t get smart with me, Charlie.

W.C.: Yes, sir.

POTUS: Where’s my Blackberry? Text Mrs. O. and tell her we’ll take the damn dog.


  1. Oh, well done! Well done! I was right there with you, waiting for C.J. to walk in.

  2. I was ready for somebody to lighten the mood... thank goodness I took a look at this blog. It certainly tickled my funny bone!